I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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