my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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