I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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