My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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