it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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