you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i want to swaddle you in tequila
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
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