just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
