Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
