I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's shark week go big or go home
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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