why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
