I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
