he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
