When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
