He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize