you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
