he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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