So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
