I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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