i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
