I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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