There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
