God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
