He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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