There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
