My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
