I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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