GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
