I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
