I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
