Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
