peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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