Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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