so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
