I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
