Your face is a jimmy john
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Found the puke drawer
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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