Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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