im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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