so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
