There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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