My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
