theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
