wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize