Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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