Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
