toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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