one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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