Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was not drunk enough for that final.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
