I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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