Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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