Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize