Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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