At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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