I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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