After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
