He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
