fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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