There's always time for handjobs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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