I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
