She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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