My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
only you would photoshop your dick
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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