I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize